The G word

A letter arrives in the mail. Your friend's mum has sent you a card with great encouraging words written inside... and a cheque - a birthday present (although your birthday was in February), so that you will spend it on something you really want. The thoughtfulness of this overwhelms you - you are truly greatful for this person and their concern for you.

But creeping up inside of you is the G-word:

Guilt.

This happened a couple of weeks ago. When I opened the card I started crying, because it was so thoughtful. Not the cheque, just the card and the words inside. But then there was this cheque. Words started rushing out of my mouth "But I don't deserve this!..." My housemate who also received a cheque and card from the same person said "No, we don't deserve it - she didn't have to do this at all, but she did and we should be thankful."

I was kind of surprised - I thought everyone felt guilty when people were generous to them. But Jo could see it was a gift. My brain was stuck on the injustice of the situation - I didn't deserve it - I hadn't done anything for the person who had sent the card!

The card situation is just a little example of how my brain warps stuff all the time, and gets taken captive by guilt. And this isn't good guilt.

I do believe there is good guilt - guilt for wronging someone - for ignoring them, hurting them. Guilt that is a natural result of being a human capable of unspeakable things. But there is also bad guilt - guilt related to pleasing people, maintaining one's reputation and feeling a failure for stupid reasons.

I really struggle with 'bad guilt'. Particularly in the last couple of years I've noticed the thing that really gets me worked up to the point of tears is when I have to try and make "the right decision" but the only motivation I feel is guilt. It's not good guilt, it's burdensome guilt that controls my emotions and decision-making process. It's the kind of guilt I'd feel if two people asked me out on a Saturday night and I had to choose between them - silly guilt!, but silly guilt that is repeated over and over again in my day to day life.

I'd much rather my decisions be governed by positive motivation. And it just cripples me, and it is so symptomatic of my disproportionate view of things.

I read a great book this year called "When people are big and God is small". It's about how our human tendency to do things to please others so as to avoid rejection, shame and pain means we become controlled by them and depend on them instead of God. I know it sounds like a lame self-help book, but it's actually really inspired me to have a right view of people, and most importantly of God. He is the one I should be revering, loving, living for.