Sunday, June 29, 2008

blah blah blah

So I've been single now for just over two years... (eeek scary) and generally speaking, it's not something that plagues my mind. But I have to admit it's often a challenge to see the positives of singleness.

So many of my friends are single - in fact the great majority are single - never had a boyfriend - type of single. Which makes me feel like such a whinger if I complain about my own two year man drought. But it's hard to not feel slightly despondent, because my friends are awesome, and it's suprises me they're single.

Still, I kind of like the fact most of my friends are single. I notice that when people get married, they often go through a phase of not socialising as regularly because they're exhausted (there are other reasons i'm sure, but i wouldn't know, i'm not married!) and they generally prefer to hang out with other couples (probably due to the whole - he has someone to talk to, so do I thing - and just being at a different stage of life... but once again, please correct me if I'm wrong), leaving their single friends to fend for themselves. I know this may be an unfair generalisation, but I reckon it's 80 % true.

So I'm glad I have a lot of single friends. However it scares me thinking about my future. If I remain single for a long time, and my friends get married, questions like:who will I live with? My cats? become quite disturbing...

But, as I'm only 22, and as relationships are messy and tiring and not the shiny glossy things movies tell us they are, I'm not too worried. Besides, the last two years have been a great lesson in contentment. I'm still learning each day to avoid comparing my situation to others and embrace the ways I'm growing, and being useful with so much time and relational energy on my hands. Maybe there's another two years of this and, maybe I'll be ok with it.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I thought I was doomed to be single for the rest of my life and I was 27. And then.... then I wasn't, and now I'm engaged. Life can be funny like that.
I think at 22 you've still got plenty more to come, and you don't know what's (or who is) around the corner :)

-Mark

Nixter said...

some perspective from a married ;)

"relationships are messy and tiring and not the shiny glossy things movies tell us they are"

I think this might be one of the reasons 'marrieds' end up hibernating for a while. It's not easy being married especially in those first few weeks, months, years - as you are learning new things about each other and trying to figure out what works for this new 'we are now living together eeek' phase of life.

I think it is hard at first to know where and how to share time with your friends who are yet to be married. But I honestly believe that under God your relationship with your spouse is the next most important relationship and this needs to be a priority and it also needs time. This means making sacrifices which is hard but needed.

I agree that once married, marrieds end up hanging out with other marrieds! This is hard and it's hard for the person who is single but it is also hard for the person who is married to split time between spouse, other marrieds who can offer advice and honesty about marriage and then single friends.

I am not sure if I have done this particularly well but I do try and meet up with friends during lunch times and we have some of our single friends over for take out and movie nights. I am sure we could have done it better but sometimes when life changes dramatically (you get married), it's hard to think through all those scenarios etc and how it's going to work.

Anyway, just some thoughts I would share with you lovely Soph.

ps on that note - I am very keen to hang out with you very soon, let me know what works ok. Love ya!

Nixter said...

man I didn't realise but that was a long one ;)

soph said...

Thanks for your thoughts guys.

Mark - yeah your story is a ray of hope :) woo. PS. when are you going to write about it on your blog??

Nix - thanks for your reply :) I was hoping a married person might give their perspective. Firstly - I totally don't think you've done a "bad job" of hanging out with single people - and I hope you don't think I was directing those comments at you. It was more an observation of what happens across the board. I can totally see the tension between needing to bond with your spouse, learn from other marrieds and still hang out with your single friends.

I guess all I know is the singles can feel really left out sometimes - personally I don't very often, because not many of my close friends are married - but I know older single friends of mine struggle with it a lot.

And on that note - we should catch up! hehe.. and I know it takes effort to do that, so thanks for being so proactive about it - not just with me but with other singles too.

onlinesoph said...

Your post made me smile, because I remember being 22 and single, the "single and never had a boyfriend" type of single, and wondering if I'd end up living with a house full of cats:)

My perspective - yes, things change when you're married, but you need both married and single friends. For me, the problem is I find single girls never seem to invite me out anymore! I'm not sure why - maybe there's an assumption I only want to go to things only my hubby can come to (which isn't true - Sam and I often do things separately), or maybe I've just fallen off the radar - but I think it goes both ways. There's probably a lot more I could do to be proactive in hanging out with unmarried friends, but it would be nice to get an invite to a singles thing too:)

I think married or not, you still need your friends. Pretty much all of my closest girlfriends are single and I love the time that I spend with them, sans husband. Of course, it helps when they include him, and when they understand I have to split earlier than I would normally so I can spend time with him too. But yes, we all need our friends:)

Bonnie said...

Hi Soph,

Finding time for single friends (or any friends at all really!) is something I have a really hard time with. When I got married I knew I didn't want to 'dump' my single friends the way I had been in the past, and I hope I haven't. But I do find it hard to fit everything in.

That said. Michael is overseas for 3 weeks and I now have heaps of free time! Want to come over one night for dinner?

Nixter said...

I totally didn't think any of those comments were directed at me lovely girl.

I agree with Soph (the other one) about keeping your single friends. I have some very close friends who are not married and I treasure the time we spend together. It just so happens that the time is less than what is was before I was married..

I also think being able to be honest with each other is really important, to have open lines of talking about it with your single friends so you know how they are feeling. That can be helpful!

soph said...

Soph - yeah, that's true. I often find I think about inviting a married person over and then think - oh but I should invite their spouse too... but they'll feel awkward with so many women in the room! lol... good to know you can hang out separately. We shall have to do that sometime!

Bonnie - would love to do something. Let me know what suits you - dinner? Maybe I can have you over for dinner next week? My housemate is away. Soph, if you're around you're most welcome. Nixter too, although I know Lewisham far away , so maybe we can do coffee instead.

Bonnie said...

Hi Soph,

Sounds good. I'm free every night as b.study is having a holiday. Let me know a night and I'll be there. :-)