embracing uncertainty

photo: this is a wake up call

I've been thinking a lot lately about the place of uncertainty in life. I think my personality rails against it, except where ambiguity in language is concerned.

I love the ambiguous nature of poetry, and like Keats' idea of "negative capability" - that a good writer must be comfortable in a state of uncertainty, even seeking it for the purpose of tapping into the unconscious imagination.

That is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact & reason. - Keats

But in all other contexts, it really goes against my instincts. I like things stitched up, organised and expectations clear.

This means I have a habit of speaking when sometimes silence is required, or acting when patient endurance would be better.

I want to be more at ease with uncertainty, or to put it in the positive, I'm after contentment with the inbetween, unclear times.

I feel like while from the outside my life might seem pretty organised at present, from the inside it feels quite uncertain - I'm starting new projects, adjusting to new family dynamics, and inhabiting new roles and responsibilities in various places. It makes me uneasy, and sometimes it simply overwhelms me (especially at 2am in the morning).

So here is my current manifesto: to embrace the uncertain. You can pray for me in this.

Ps. This has reminded me of the Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway. Fishing - now there's a sport for the waiter in all of us. Maybe I need to go fishing and embrace the wait.